You Just Don't Understand! You're Not Listening To Me!

How many times have you heard these words from your children, your partner, your friends? Chances are, you may have even exclaimed these words during a moment of frustration. And, even more likely, when these words are spoken, it’s usually true.

What we have here, is a failure to communicate…
That’s not just a line from a movie (Cool Hand Luke, for you trivia buffs out there), but a very typical issue in relationships. I often see this issue when working with clients. A woman reported how much she enjoyed her new job, but could not seem to get along with her office-mate. She stated this was something very important to her, but they just could not connect.

A couple recently got married and are finding the honeymoon is long over. They report arguing almost everyday and never getting anything resolved. They love each other very much and want to make it work, but they don’t know how.

Another man recently had an argument with his sister about his wife and finds himself caught in the middle. He wants to keep the peace, and he wants to clearly state where his loyalties lie. He doesn’t know how to balance the two.

These are just a few examples of how communication can break a relationship. Now I will tell you how communication can repair it.

Maintain eye contact
Whenever you have an important discussion with someone, make sure it’s face to face. Avoid phone calls and email as much as possible. Communication is less likely to be misunderstood when you can see the person’s facial expression and body language, and hear the tone of their voice. Maintaining eye contact also shows that you are interested in what they have to say and are not distracted by anything else.

Physical touch is key
A study last year showed that couples who participated in non-sexual physical touch (i.e., holding hands, giving hugs, foot massages) suffer less stress than those couples who do not. So, while you are maintaining eye contact with your partner, hold their hands or touch their shoulder. This may bring the stress level down a few pegs.

Use “I” statements

You make me so angry when you don’t take out the trash!
vs.
I feel angry when I come home and the trash has not been taken out.
See the difference? In the first sentence, you are blaming the other person who will probably become immediately defensive and won’t want to hear anything you have to say. In the second sentence, you are taking ownership of your feelings and recognizing the problem, not the person.
Take a time-out
When you get over-heated, it’s important to recognize it’s time to walk away. Acknowledge that the conversation is important to you, but you need a break to cool off. Set a time when you can return to the conversation (whether in 15 minutes or the next day) and stick to it. Some partners even come up with code words when they see the conversation going nowhere fast. (My husband and I use the word “banana” and that usually makes us laugh and release some tension.) Find your own code word that will tell both of you it’s time for a recess.

Remember, we’re all adults
That means no name-calling or cursing. These words just seem to escalate an already-heated situation. While it may be difficult to zip your lip, think of your long-term objective: to work it out. And, if that doesn’t work, make a donation to the “curse jar” every time you swear, then take that person out to dinner.

Practice makes perfect!
Remember to be patient. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you can’t master the art of communication in that time either. Be patient with yourself and those around you, and soon you’ll see a difference!