Many parents struggle with how to talk to their children about death. They wonder what vocabulary to use, how much detail they should give, what questions to answer, etc. A death by suicide can complicate things even more and it usually increases the parents' anxieties. They worry that by talking openly about suicide, it will give their children the license to kill themselves. So, many parents end up keeping the truth from their children, believing they are protecting them. However, a suicide is an important part of a family's health history, and having that truth will help their own physical and mental health. A better way to protect your child is to comfort them, reassure them and answer their questions openly and honestly.
Here are some ways to help parents talk openly about suicide:
Tell the truth
Research shows that more than 90 percent of people who commit suicide have a diagnosable mental illness at the time of their death. These mental illnesses are not always identified beforehand, but many suffer from depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and/or substance abuse. A mental illness can complicate a person's thoughts, causing them to feel hopeless, helpless, and make desperate decisions. So, it's safe to say that what caused the suicide was an "illness in the brain" much like a heart problem causes a heart attack or a malignant tumor causes cancer.
Starting out
When talking to your child about suicide, find a time and place where you can talk quietly without interruptions. Choose your words carefully, depending on the age of the child. (See another post which describes the appropriate vocabulary to use with different age groups: http://mentalhealtheducation.blogspot.com/2010/05/talking-to-children-about-death.html)
Allow the child to lead the conversation, and remember they will be more focused on what the loss means to them rather than the cause of death.
Preparing for later
It has been said that children don't run from grief, they walk slowly toward it, which means you may find yourself having these important conversations over several periods of time. Be prepared to talk about suicide multiple times, and encourage them to return to you if they have any more questions. Also, be sure to "check in" with them to see how they are coping with their loss.
Take care of yourself
Enlist the help of a counselor or find a support group for people who are experiencing similar losses. There are many resources available through your local hospice, university, hospital and community mental health center.
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
When a Celebrity Dies
I've often heard that bad news comes in 3s. I hear this more often when someone dies. The media has reported two recent celebrity deaths and already people are holding their breath for the third.
Many dedicate their Facebook statuses, tweets and blogs to memorialize the actors and singers who have died. They share their favorite songs from the artist or their favorite movie depicting the actor. While memorializing someone who has died is a normal part of the grieving process, I wonder if these same people do something similar when a family member or friend dies.
As a society, we are growing more and more comfortable with death, though it has been a slow process. So many still don't know what to say when they hear of a death, so they say nothing at all. Why not share a favorite memory, a quality you admired, much like people do when they hear of a celebrity death. Why should we restrict this honor to people we have never even met?
On this Memorial Day weekend, let us honor the fallen soldiers, but also remember our loved ones who have died. Today I choose to remember my grandfather and the silent strength he held during World War II. I choose to remember his blue eyes every time I look into my son's. And I choose to remember how he jokingly put an onion in a gum wrapper and passed it off as Juicy Fruit. (To this day I will not eat onions!)
Who will you choose to remember?
Many dedicate their Facebook statuses, tweets and blogs to memorialize the actors and singers who have died. They share their favorite songs from the artist or their favorite movie depicting the actor. While memorializing someone who has died is a normal part of the grieving process, I wonder if these same people do something similar when a family member or friend dies.
As a society, we are growing more and more comfortable with death, though it has been a slow process. So many still don't know what to say when they hear of a death, so they say nothing at all. Why not share a favorite memory, a quality you admired, much like people do when they hear of a celebrity death. Why should we restrict this honor to people we have never even met?
On this Memorial Day weekend, let us honor the fallen soldiers, but also remember our loved ones who have died. Today I choose to remember my grandfather and the silent strength he held during World War II. I choose to remember his blue eyes every time I look into my son's. And I choose to remember how he jokingly put an onion in a gum wrapper and passed it off as Juicy Fruit. (To this day I will not eat onions!)
Who will you choose to remember?
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Talking to Children about Death
Working with grieving children has been the most rewarding aspect of my career. It's so powerful for children to have the opportunity to express their grief and for parents to allow them to explore all emotions associated with it with compassion and security.
There are those that believe if we shield our children from grief, then they won't experience the variety of painful emotions that come with it. As well-intentioned this protection may be, it only sends a negative message to children. It tells them their feelings don't matter, or that death is something to be feared or not discussed. It adds to the sadness, anger, shame, fear, etc. that they are already experiencing.
Some parents come to my office and wonder just "how much" to tell their children about the death of a loved one. They worry that their child won't understand or their child may have nightmares. It's important to keep in mind the age and maturity of each child when discussing death with them, and this article will provide some helpful information to help you along.
Preschool Understanding -- ages 3 to 5 years
Children of this age believe death is temporary or reversible. They believe their loved one is living under different circumstances and they will come back. They have a "magical" way of thinking, which is why it's so important to use words like "dead" and "died" rather than euphemisms. If a child hears he "lost his grandfather" he may wonder why no one has found him. Or if he has been told that "he's gone to a better place" it leaves him wondering what's wrong with this place.
A child may also ask questions such as, "How will Uncle Pete read his newspaper if he's dead?" It's important to explain to the child what "dead" means: that Uncle Pete does not need to eat or drink or read the newspaper or go to work anymore. Again, you want to consider the child's age and maturity level. Answer questions honestly, but don't give anymore information than what is being asked.
Latency Understanding -- ages 6 to 8 years old
Children of this age understand that death is permanent and irreversible. They will ask more questions during this time, such as how Mom died, what happened to her body, etc. As I stated before, answer these questions honestly. The information they receive will give them stability and security.
Pre-Adolescent Understanding -- 9 years to 12 years old
Children in the pre-adolescent stages have an adult understanding of death. They tend to intellectualize the loss (i.e. "Daddy had a brain tumor that really hurt, but now it doesn't hurt him anymore.") in order to help them cope. They also wonder how their world will change afterward, such as who will give them a ride to school, who will play ball with them, etc. While the family dynamic and roles will change, it's important for the child to continue to feel safe and secure.
Children may also begin to fear that someone else they love will die too. If Mom has died in a car accident, a child may be afraid that Dad will die in a car accident too. A healthy answer for this question can go something like this: "Everyone dies sometime, but I'm going to do everything I can to protect myself because I want to take care of you and live to be very, very old."
Adolescent Understanding -- 13 years to Adult
Teens are already at a very critical time in their lives, exploring their thoughts, their environment, their relationships. When a death occurs, they may become blaming ("It's the doctor's fault that grandma died") or philosophical ("Why did my cousin die in the war? What is the meaning of this war?").
Teenagers may even exhibit more risky behavior because they feel immortal and invincible. They may think even though their loved one died, it can't happen to them, so they will drive fast or drink too much alcohol or take drugs. It is important for parents to keep a close eye on these behaviors, and as with all children, to provide the love and security they need.
For more information, read "Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies" by William Worden
There are those that believe if we shield our children from grief, then they won't experience the variety of painful emotions that come with it. As well-intentioned this protection may be, it only sends a negative message to children. It tells them their feelings don't matter, or that death is something to be feared or not discussed. It adds to the sadness, anger, shame, fear, etc. that they are already experiencing.
Some parents come to my office and wonder just "how much" to tell their children about the death of a loved one. They worry that their child won't understand or their child may have nightmares. It's important to keep in mind the age and maturity of each child when discussing death with them, and this article will provide some helpful information to help you along.
Preschool Understanding -- ages 3 to 5 years
Children of this age believe death is temporary or reversible. They believe their loved one is living under different circumstances and they will come back. They have a "magical" way of thinking, which is why it's so important to use words like "dead" and "died" rather than euphemisms. If a child hears he "lost his grandfather" he may wonder why no one has found him. Or if he has been told that "he's gone to a better place" it leaves him wondering what's wrong with this place.
A child may also ask questions such as, "How will Uncle Pete read his newspaper if he's dead?" It's important to explain to the child what "dead" means: that Uncle Pete does not need to eat or drink or read the newspaper or go to work anymore. Again, you want to consider the child's age and maturity level. Answer questions honestly, but don't give anymore information than what is being asked.
Latency Understanding -- ages 6 to 8 years old
Children of this age understand that death is permanent and irreversible. They will ask more questions during this time, such as how Mom died, what happened to her body, etc. As I stated before, answer these questions honestly. The information they receive will give them stability and security.
Pre-Adolescent Understanding -- 9 years to 12 years old
Children in the pre-adolescent stages have an adult understanding of death. They tend to intellectualize the loss (i.e. "Daddy had a brain tumor that really hurt, but now it doesn't hurt him anymore.") in order to help them cope. They also wonder how their world will change afterward, such as who will give them a ride to school, who will play ball with them, etc. While the family dynamic and roles will change, it's important for the child to continue to feel safe and secure.
Children may also begin to fear that someone else they love will die too. If Mom has died in a car accident, a child may be afraid that Dad will die in a car accident too. A healthy answer for this question can go something like this: "Everyone dies sometime, but I'm going to do everything I can to protect myself because I want to take care of you and live to be very, very old."
Adolescent Understanding -- 13 years to Adult
Teens are already at a very critical time in their lives, exploring their thoughts, their environment, their relationships. When a death occurs, they may become blaming ("It's the doctor's fault that grandma died") or philosophical ("Why did my cousin die in the war? What is the meaning of this war?").
Teenagers may even exhibit more risky behavior because they feel immortal and invincible. They may think even though their loved one died, it can't happen to them, so they will drive fast or drink too much alcohol or take drugs. It is important for parents to keep a close eye on these behaviors, and as with all children, to provide the love and security they need.
For more information, read "Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies" by William Worden
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper -- Review
My only complaint about 90 Minutes in Heaven is that I wished it would have lasted longer. And, I believe author Don Piper would share the same sentiment.
90 Minutes in Heaven tells the story of Don Piper’s miraculous return to life after a terrible car wreck left him for dead. His car was hit by a semi that crossed into his lane and medical personnel reported he died on impact. However, a faithful minister who was driving by decided to get out of his car, climb into what was left of Piper’s vehicle, and pray for 90 minutes. His prayers were answered and Piper literally woke up singing.
Through his book, Piper gives us details of his experience during those 90 minutes. The sounds, the sights and the emotions--Piper has a way of describing them all to make readers believe they were standing right next to him. A minister himself, he believed he went to heaven and was disappointed to return. After all, his return meant that now he had the opportunity to recover from his accident, which left his right leg crushed, his left leg shattered in two places, his left arm missing the major bones to hold his left hand into place, and thousands of shards of glass all over his body.
Piper’s recovery took an excruciatingly painful year during which time his faith was tested, his depression worsened and his family life was turned upside down. He was angry at God for bringing him back to life to suffer so much during his recovery. He was angry at God for giving him a glimpse of heaven and then taking it away from him. The reader finds it easy to empathize with Piper and I even found myself thinking, “Just hang on, it’s going to get better.”
And it did. Eventually, with the help of his family and friends, Piper saw his moments in heaven as a blessing rather than a curse. His appreciation for this gift grew and his resentment diminished. It was then that he began to share his experience with others in his life and when he decided to share this experience with the world.
His depression also relented, but only after Piper sought to seek help, which I think is a valuable lesson illustrated in this book. Before the accident, Piper was a self-sufficient, strong leader in his church. Others came to him for guidance and comfort. Now he was in a position where life had forced him to ask for that same guidance and comfort. His pride was his obstacle and once he learned how to overcome it, he realized that by asking others for help, he was giving them a gift. He helped others so much and now they had the opportunity to return the favor, and they were grateful for it.
Individuals who suffer from depression, whether it be acute or chronic, often have a difficult time reaching out for help. I have suggested this book to my clients who are feeling this way in order to normalize their feelings and hopefully discover that it’s okay to reach out to others.
I also offer this book to help individuals recognize resilience, and to explore their own resilience when experiencing the aftermath of a tragedy, such as the death of a loved one. For clients who have a strong belief system, it also provides comfort when they hear someone else’s testament that there is an afterlife.
I recommend this book to anyone who wants to share in Piper’s strength, determination and triumph. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to cheer him on, or who needs a little cheering themselves. I recommend this book to anyone who has asked themselves “Why?” Piper asked why, and although he did not always find an answer, he did find peace.
90 Minutes in Heaven tells the story of Don Piper’s miraculous return to life after a terrible car wreck left him for dead. His car was hit by a semi that crossed into his lane and medical personnel reported he died on impact. However, a faithful minister who was driving by decided to get out of his car, climb into what was left of Piper’s vehicle, and pray for 90 minutes. His prayers were answered and Piper literally woke up singing.
Through his book, Piper gives us details of his experience during those 90 minutes. The sounds, the sights and the emotions--Piper has a way of describing them all to make readers believe they were standing right next to him. A minister himself, he believed he went to heaven and was disappointed to return. After all, his return meant that now he had the opportunity to recover from his accident, which left his right leg crushed, his left leg shattered in two places, his left arm missing the major bones to hold his left hand into place, and thousands of shards of glass all over his body.
Piper’s recovery took an excruciatingly painful year during which time his faith was tested, his depression worsened and his family life was turned upside down. He was angry at God for bringing him back to life to suffer so much during his recovery. He was angry at God for giving him a glimpse of heaven and then taking it away from him. The reader finds it easy to empathize with Piper and I even found myself thinking, “Just hang on, it’s going to get better.”
And it did. Eventually, with the help of his family and friends, Piper saw his moments in heaven as a blessing rather than a curse. His appreciation for this gift grew and his resentment diminished. It was then that he began to share his experience with others in his life and when he decided to share this experience with the world.
His depression also relented, but only after Piper sought to seek help, which I think is a valuable lesson illustrated in this book. Before the accident, Piper was a self-sufficient, strong leader in his church. Others came to him for guidance and comfort. Now he was in a position where life had forced him to ask for that same guidance and comfort. His pride was his obstacle and once he learned how to overcome it, he realized that by asking others for help, he was giving them a gift. He helped others so much and now they had the opportunity to return the favor, and they were grateful for it.
Individuals who suffer from depression, whether it be acute or chronic, often have a difficult time reaching out for help. I have suggested this book to my clients who are feeling this way in order to normalize their feelings and hopefully discover that it’s okay to reach out to others.
I also offer this book to help individuals recognize resilience, and to explore their own resilience when experiencing the aftermath of a tragedy, such as the death of a loved one. For clients who have a strong belief system, it also provides comfort when they hear someone else’s testament that there is an afterlife.
I recommend this book to anyone who wants to share in Piper’s strength, determination and triumph. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to cheer him on, or who needs a little cheering themselves. I recommend this book to anyone who has asked themselves “Why?” Piper asked why, and although he did not always find an answer, he did find peace.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Seven Pounds
I wrote this review a couple of years ago, but it's a movie that still has quite the impact...
I was initially intrigued by the movie “Seven Pounds” when a friend of mine recommended it to me. I asked her what the movie was about, and she said, “I can’t tell you—you just have to see it.”
Fast forward to an email I received from the American Mental Health Counselors Association which stated the organization had been approached to make a statement about the movie, because critics suggested it glorified suicide. Naturally, as a grief counselor, this piqued my interest even more and so I decided to see what all the fuss was about.
Seven Pounds opens with Tim Thomas (portrayed by Will Smith) calling 911 to report a suicide—his own. The rest of the movie takes you through the past several years, and an interesting chain of events, which brought him to this point. Two years ago, Tim was a successful engineer and happily in love. Then one fatal mistake cost him everything; he was at fault in a fatal car accident which killed his fiancée and six others. Tim decides to dedicate the rest of his life to improving the lives of seven people to make up for the seven lives he took. He enlists the help of his best friend, an attorney, and his brother, an FBI agent, to find seven people worthy of receiving life-altering gifts. We follow him on his journey, changing the lives of good people. We also follow him on his own grief journey as he experiences a variety of emotions associated with all he has lost, and what he may lose in the future.
In the movie, I discovered that Tim completes William Worden’s four tasks of mourning: accepting the reality of his loss, experiencing the pain of his loss, adjusting to his new environment and finding a way to memorialize his fiancée and the others who died in the crash.
Has this piqued your interest? Do you want to know how Tim helps others, how he finds peace, how this movie ends? Well, I can’t tell you—you just have to see it.
I was initially intrigued by the movie “Seven Pounds” when a friend of mine recommended it to me. I asked her what the movie was about, and she said, “I can’t tell you—you just have to see it.”
Fast forward to an email I received from the American Mental Health Counselors Association which stated the organization had been approached to make a statement about the movie, because critics suggested it glorified suicide. Naturally, as a grief counselor, this piqued my interest even more and so I decided to see what all the fuss was about.
Seven Pounds opens with Tim Thomas (portrayed by Will Smith) calling 911 to report a suicide—his own. The rest of the movie takes you through the past several years, and an interesting chain of events, which brought him to this point. Two years ago, Tim was a successful engineer and happily in love. Then one fatal mistake cost him everything; he was at fault in a fatal car accident which killed his fiancée and six others. Tim decides to dedicate the rest of his life to improving the lives of seven people to make up for the seven lives he took. He enlists the help of his best friend, an attorney, and his brother, an FBI agent, to find seven people worthy of receiving life-altering gifts. We follow him on his journey, changing the lives of good people. We also follow him on his own grief journey as he experiences a variety of emotions associated with all he has lost, and what he may lose in the future.
In the movie, I discovered that Tim completes William Worden’s four tasks of mourning: accepting the reality of his loss, experiencing the pain of his loss, adjusting to his new environment and finding a way to memorialize his fiancée and the others who died in the crash.
Has this piqued your interest? Do you want to know how Tim helps others, how he finds peace, how this movie ends? Well, I can’t tell you—you just have to see it.
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