Talking to Children about Death

Working with grieving children has been the most rewarding aspect of my career. It's so powerful for children to have the opportunity to express their grief and for parents to allow them to explore all emotions associated with it with compassion and security.

There are those that believe if we shield our children from grief, then they won't experience the variety of painful emotions that come with it. As well-intentioned this protection may be, it only sends a negative message to children. It tells them their feelings don't matter, or that death is something to be feared or not discussed. It adds to the sadness, anger, shame, fear, etc. that they are already experiencing.

Some parents come to my office and wonder just "how much" to tell their children about the death of a loved one. They worry that their child won't understand or their child may have nightmares. It's important to keep in mind the age and maturity of each child when discussing death with them, and this article will provide some helpful information to help you along.

Preschool Understanding -- ages 3 to 5 years
Children of this age believe death is temporary or reversible. They believe their loved one is living under different circumstances and they will come back. They have a "magical" way of thinking, which is why it's so important to use words like "dead" and "died" rather than euphemisms. If a child hears he "lost his grandfather" he may wonder why no one has found him. Or if he has been told that "he's gone to a better place" it leaves him wondering what's wrong with this place.

A child may also ask questions such as, "How will Uncle Pete read his newspaper if he's dead?" It's important to explain to the child what "dead" means: that Uncle Pete does not need to eat or drink or read the newspaper or go to work anymore. Again, you want to consider the child's age and maturity level. Answer questions honestly, but don't give anymore information than what is being asked.

Latency Understanding -- ages 6 to 8 years old
Children of this age understand that death is permanent and irreversible. They will ask more questions during this time, such as how Mom died, what happened to her body, etc. As I stated before, answer these questions honestly. The information they receive will give them stability and security.

Pre-Adolescent Understanding -- 9 years to 12 years old
Children in the pre-adolescent stages have an adult understanding of death. They tend to intellectualize the loss (i.e. "Daddy had a brain tumor that really hurt, but now it doesn't hurt him anymore.") in order to help them cope. They also wonder how their world will change afterward, such as who will give them a ride to school, who will play ball with them, etc. While the family dynamic and roles will change, it's important for the child to continue to feel safe and secure.

Children may also begin to fear that someone else they love will die too. If Mom has died in a car accident, a child may be afraid that Dad will die in a car accident too. A healthy answer for this question can go something like this: "Everyone dies sometime, but I'm going to do everything I can to protect myself because I want to take care of you and live to be very, very old."

Adolescent Understanding -- 13 years to Adult
Teens are already at a very critical time in their lives, exploring their thoughts, their environment, their relationships. When a death occurs, they may become blaming ("It's the doctor's fault that grandma died") or philosophical ("Why did my cousin die in the war? What is the meaning of this war?").

Teenagers may even exhibit more risky behavior because they feel immortal and invincible. They may think even though their loved one died, it can't happen to them, so they will drive fast or drink too much alcohol or take drugs. It is important for parents to keep a close eye on these behaviors, and as with all children, to provide the love and security they need.

For more information, read "Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies" by William Worden