Listening to music
Taking a bath
Exercise
Yoga
Kickboxing
Taking a nature walk
Writing in a journal
Writing a song, poem, story, etc.
Scrapbooking
Gardening
Cooking a delicious meal
Volunteering
Stretching
Writing a letter to someone you love
Writing a letter to someone who hurt you
Visiting a museum, zoo or art gallery
Taking a creative class: cooking, singing, language, dancing, etc.
Watch a funny movie or TV show
Screaming in your car (rather than at others)
Punching a pillow or a bean bag
Drinking a cup of tea or coffee
Playing a musical instrument
Joining a support group
Talking to supportive friends or family
Eating healthy
Meditate
Caressing a pet
Dancing
Singing
Getting a massage or pedicure
Getting a haircut
Scrubbing the bathtub (helps release tension and anger)
Drawing
Painting
Throwing water balloons at the side of your house
Putting on your favorite article of clothing
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Talking to Kids About Suicide
Many parents struggle with how to talk to their children about death. They wonder what vocabulary to use, how much detail they should give, what questions to answer, etc. A death by suicide can complicate things even more and it usually increases the parents' anxieties. They worry that by talking openly about suicide, it will give their children the license to kill themselves. So, many parents end up keeping the truth from their children, believing they are protecting them. However, a suicide is an important part of a family's health history, and having that truth will help their own physical and mental health. A better way to protect your child is to comfort them, reassure them and answer their questions openly and honestly.
Here are some ways to help parents talk openly about suicide:
Tell the truth
Research shows that more than 90 percent of people who commit suicide have a diagnosable mental illness at the time of their death. These mental illnesses are not always identified beforehand, but many suffer from depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and/or substance abuse. A mental illness can complicate a person's thoughts, causing them to feel hopeless, helpless, and make desperate decisions. So, it's safe to say that what caused the suicide was an "illness in the brain" much like a heart problem causes a heart attack or a malignant tumor causes cancer.
Starting out
When talking to your child about suicide, find a time and place where you can talk quietly without interruptions. Choose your words carefully, depending on the age of the child. (See another post which describes the appropriate vocabulary to use with different age groups: http://mentalhealtheducation.blogspot.com/2010/05/talking-to-children-about-death.html)
Allow the child to lead the conversation, and remember they will be more focused on what the loss means to them rather than the cause of death.
Preparing for later
It has been said that children don't run from grief, they walk slowly toward it, which means you may find yourself having these important conversations over several periods of time. Be prepared to talk about suicide multiple times, and encourage them to return to you if they have any more questions. Also, be sure to "check in" with them to see how they are coping with their loss.
Take care of yourself
Enlist the help of a counselor or find a support group for people who are experiencing similar losses. There are many resources available through your local hospice, university, hospital and community mental health center.
Here are some ways to help parents talk openly about suicide:
Tell the truth
Research shows that more than 90 percent of people who commit suicide have a diagnosable mental illness at the time of their death. These mental illnesses are not always identified beforehand, but many suffer from depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and/or substance abuse. A mental illness can complicate a person's thoughts, causing them to feel hopeless, helpless, and make desperate decisions. So, it's safe to say that what caused the suicide was an "illness in the brain" much like a heart problem causes a heart attack or a malignant tumor causes cancer.
Starting out
When talking to your child about suicide, find a time and place where you can talk quietly without interruptions. Choose your words carefully, depending on the age of the child. (See another post which describes the appropriate vocabulary to use with different age groups: http://mentalhealtheducation.blogspot.com/2010/05/talking-to-children-about-death.html)
Allow the child to lead the conversation, and remember they will be more focused on what the loss means to them rather than the cause of death.
Preparing for later
It has been said that children don't run from grief, they walk slowly toward it, which means you may find yourself having these important conversations over several periods of time. Be prepared to talk about suicide multiple times, and encourage them to return to you if they have any more questions. Also, be sure to "check in" with them to see how they are coping with their loss.
Take care of yourself
Enlist the help of a counselor or find a support group for people who are experiencing similar losses. There are many resources available through your local hospice, university, hospital and community mental health center.
Forget the Sticks and Stones...Words Can Be More Painful
I was shopping at Target yesterday with my toddler in tow. At times, he got a little cranky, wanted to keep moving or wanted something to drink. I accomodated his wishes while still trying to fulfill my own retail desires, until I finally gave in and decided to take him home.
I was in the check-out line behind another mom who was obviously very overwhelmed by her own toddler. He was standing up in the grocery cart and she kept asking him to sit down. My son must have witnessed this because he began to stand up in the cart's seat, so I went ahead and secured his seat belt a little tighter to avoid any accidents. Meanwhile, Overwhelmed Mom kept telling her little guy to sit down, sit down, sit down.
Then I heard her say something that really stopped me in my tracks. She began to call him a "bad baby." Instead of using his name, she said, "Sit down, bad baby. No bad baby. You can't have that bad baby." The child seemed unfazed; I think I took it harder than he did. Then again, as a therapist, I imagined him as an adult with self-esteem issues, trying to obtain the approval of others.
My heart did go out to Overwhelmed Mom too. It was apparent that the stress had gotten to her, which it does for most people. She was trying to get her shopping done while taking care of her active child, and who knows what else she was juggling. Other children? A partner? A job? Elderly parents?
This mom reminded me of the importance of self-care. Take time for yourself! Many people who read this will probably say, "What time? I have no time!" These same people probably rearrange their lives to accomodate others. While that is noble and generous, I urge you to be just as accomodating to yourself. Even if it's 15 minutes, at least that time is yours. (Visit another post for further tips: http://mentalhealtheducation.blogspot.com/2010/04/feeling-overwhelmed-by-daily-tasks-here.html)
I wanted to talk to Overwhelmed Mom, tell her I understand, and provide her a little education on how words can be so powerful. Instead, I sent positive thoughts her way, wishing her a little peace, and looked at my own son and told him what a good boy he is. Every parent makes mistakes, but if we just took a little time to take care of ourselves, our children will be better for it.
I was in the check-out line behind another mom who was obviously very overwhelmed by her own toddler. He was standing up in the grocery cart and she kept asking him to sit down. My son must have witnessed this because he began to stand up in the cart's seat, so I went ahead and secured his seat belt a little tighter to avoid any accidents. Meanwhile, Overwhelmed Mom kept telling her little guy to sit down, sit down, sit down.
Then I heard her say something that really stopped me in my tracks. She began to call him a "bad baby." Instead of using his name, she said, "Sit down, bad baby. No bad baby. You can't have that bad baby." The child seemed unfazed; I think I took it harder than he did. Then again, as a therapist, I imagined him as an adult with self-esteem issues, trying to obtain the approval of others.
My heart did go out to Overwhelmed Mom too. It was apparent that the stress had gotten to her, which it does for most people. She was trying to get her shopping done while taking care of her active child, and who knows what else she was juggling. Other children? A partner? A job? Elderly parents?
This mom reminded me of the importance of self-care. Take time for yourself! Many people who read this will probably say, "What time? I have no time!" These same people probably rearrange their lives to accomodate others. While that is noble and generous, I urge you to be just as accomodating to yourself. Even if it's 15 minutes, at least that time is yours. (Visit another post for further tips: http://mentalhealtheducation.blogspot.com/2010/04/feeling-overwhelmed-by-daily-tasks-here.html)
I wanted to talk to Overwhelmed Mom, tell her I understand, and provide her a little education on how words can be so powerful. Instead, I sent positive thoughts her way, wishing her a little peace, and looked at my own son and told him what a good boy he is. Every parent makes mistakes, but if we just took a little time to take care of ourselves, our children will be better for it.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
When a Celebrity Dies
I've often heard that bad news comes in 3s. I hear this more often when someone dies. The media has reported two recent celebrity deaths and already people are holding their breath for the third.
Many dedicate their Facebook statuses, tweets and blogs to memorialize the actors and singers who have died. They share their favorite songs from the artist or their favorite movie depicting the actor. While memorializing someone who has died is a normal part of the grieving process, I wonder if these same people do something similar when a family member or friend dies.
As a society, we are growing more and more comfortable with death, though it has been a slow process. So many still don't know what to say when they hear of a death, so they say nothing at all. Why not share a favorite memory, a quality you admired, much like people do when they hear of a celebrity death. Why should we restrict this honor to people we have never even met?
On this Memorial Day weekend, let us honor the fallen soldiers, but also remember our loved ones who have died. Today I choose to remember my grandfather and the silent strength he held during World War II. I choose to remember his blue eyes every time I look into my son's. And I choose to remember how he jokingly put an onion in a gum wrapper and passed it off as Juicy Fruit. (To this day I will not eat onions!)
Who will you choose to remember?
Many dedicate their Facebook statuses, tweets and blogs to memorialize the actors and singers who have died. They share their favorite songs from the artist or their favorite movie depicting the actor. While memorializing someone who has died is a normal part of the grieving process, I wonder if these same people do something similar when a family member or friend dies.
As a society, we are growing more and more comfortable with death, though it has been a slow process. So many still don't know what to say when they hear of a death, so they say nothing at all. Why not share a favorite memory, a quality you admired, much like people do when they hear of a celebrity death. Why should we restrict this honor to people we have never even met?
On this Memorial Day weekend, let us honor the fallen soldiers, but also remember our loved ones who have died. Today I choose to remember my grandfather and the silent strength he held during World War II. I choose to remember his blue eyes every time I look into my son's. And I choose to remember how he jokingly put an onion in a gum wrapper and passed it off as Juicy Fruit. (To this day I will not eat onions!)
Who will you choose to remember?
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Talking to Children about Death
Working with grieving children has been the most rewarding aspect of my career. It's so powerful for children to have the opportunity to express their grief and for parents to allow them to explore all emotions associated with it with compassion and security.
There are those that believe if we shield our children from grief, then they won't experience the variety of painful emotions that come with it. As well-intentioned this protection may be, it only sends a negative message to children. It tells them their feelings don't matter, or that death is something to be feared or not discussed. It adds to the sadness, anger, shame, fear, etc. that they are already experiencing.
Some parents come to my office and wonder just "how much" to tell their children about the death of a loved one. They worry that their child won't understand or their child may have nightmares. It's important to keep in mind the age and maturity of each child when discussing death with them, and this article will provide some helpful information to help you along.
Preschool Understanding -- ages 3 to 5 years
Children of this age believe death is temporary or reversible. They believe their loved one is living under different circumstances and they will come back. They have a "magical" way of thinking, which is why it's so important to use words like "dead" and "died" rather than euphemisms. If a child hears he "lost his grandfather" he may wonder why no one has found him. Or if he has been told that "he's gone to a better place" it leaves him wondering what's wrong with this place.
A child may also ask questions such as, "How will Uncle Pete read his newspaper if he's dead?" It's important to explain to the child what "dead" means: that Uncle Pete does not need to eat or drink or read the newspaper or go to work anymore. Again, you want to consider the child's age and maturity level. Answer questions honestly, but don't give anymore information than what is being asked.
Latency Understanding -- ages 6 to 8 years old
Children of this age understand that death is permanent and irreversible. They will ask more questions during this time, such as how Mom died, what happened to her body, etc. As I stated before, answer these questions honestly. The information they receive will give them stability and security.
Pre-Adolescent Understanding -- 9 years to 12 years old
Children in the pre-adolescent stages have an adult understanding of death. They tend to intellectualize the loss (i.e. "Daddy had a brain tumor that really hurt, but now it doesn't hurt him anymore.") in order to help them cope. They also wonder how their world will change afterward, such as who will give them a ride to school, who will play ball with them, etc. While the family dynamic and roles will change, it's important for the child to continue to feel safe and secure.
Children may also begin to fear that someone else they love will die too. If Mom has died in a car accident, a child may be afraid that Dad will die in a car accident too. A healthy answer for this question can go something like this: "Everyone dies sometime, but I'm going to do everything I can to protect myself because I want to take care of you and live to be very, very old."
Adolescent Understanding -- 13 years to Adult
Teens are already at a very critical time in their lives, exploring their thoughts, their environment, their relationships. When a death occurs, they may become blaming ("It's the doctor's fault that grandma died") or philosophical ("Why did my cousin die in the war? What is the meaning of this war?").
Teenagers may even exhibit more risky behavior because they feel immortal and invincible. They may think even though their loved one died, it can't happen to them, so they will drive fast or drink too much alcohol or take drugs. It is important for parents to keep a close eye on these behaviors, and as with all children, to provide the love and security they need.
For more information, read "Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies" by William Worden
There are those that believe if we shield our children from grief, then they won't experience the variety of painful emotions that come with it. As well-intentioned this protection may be, it only sends a negative message to children. It tells them their feelings don't matter, or that death is something to be feared or not discussed. It adds to the sadness, anger, shame, fear, etc. that they are already experiencing.
Some parents come to my office and wonder just "how much" to tell their children about the death of a loved one. They worry that their child won't understand or their child may have nightmares. It's important to keep in mind the age and maturity of each child when discussing death with them, and this article will provide some helpful information to help you along.
Preschool Understanding -- ages 3 to 5 years
Children of this age believe death is temporary or reversible. They believe their loved one is living under different circumstances and they will come back. They have a "magical" way of thinking, which is why it's so important to use words like "dead" and "died" rather than euphemisms. If a child hears he "lost his grandfather" he may wonder why no one has found him. Or if he has been told that "he's gone to a better place" it leaves him wondering what's wrong with this place.
A child may also ask questions such as, "How will Uncle Pete read his newspaper if he's dead?" It's important to explain to the child what "dead" means: that Uncle Pete does not need to eat or drink or read the newspaper or go to work anymore. Again, you want to consider the child's age and maturity level. Answer questions honestly, but don't give anymore information than what is being asked.
Latency Understanding -- ages 6 to 8 years old
Children of this age understand that death is permanent and irreversible. They will ask more questions during this time, such as how Mom died, what happened to her body, etc. As I stated before, answer these questions honestly. The information they receive will give them stability and security.
Pre-Adolescent Understanding -- 9 years to 12 years old
Children in the pre-adolescent stages have an adult understanding of death. They tend to intellectualize the loss (i.e. "Daddy had a brain tumor that really hurt, but now it doesn't hurt him anymore.") in order to help them cope. They also wonder how their world will change afterward, such as who will give them a ride to school, who will play ball with them, etc. While the family dynamic and roles will change, it's important for the child to continue to feel safe and secure.
Children may also begin to fear that someone else they love will die too. If Mom has died in a car accident, a child may be afraid that Dad will die in a car accident too. A healthy answer for this question can go something like this: "Everyone dies sometime, but I'm going to do everything I can to protect myself because I want to take care of you and live to be very, very old."
Adolescent Understanding -- 13 years to Adult
Teens are already at a very critical time in their lives, exploring their thoughts, their environment, their relationships. When a death occurs, they may become blaming ("It's the doctor's fault that grandma died") or philosophical ("Why did my cousin die in the war? What is the meaning of this war?").
Teenagers may even exhibit more risky behavior because they feel immortal and invincible. They may think even though their loved one died, it can't happen to them, so they will drive fast or drink too much alcohol or take drugs. It is important for parents to keep a close eye on these behaviors, and as with all children, to provide the love and security they need.
For more information, read "Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies" by William Worden
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
An Outstanding Read for Consumers and Counselors
Imagine being a child and not being able to sleep for days. Imagine being terrified of being alone with your thoughts. Imagine drinking yourself into oblivion just to get through the day. Imagine dragging a blade across your arm, only to cut so deep you had to be hospitalized for a suicide attempt.
Unfortunately, many of you may have actually experienced these events first-hand. Some of you may have experienced more than one. Marya Hornbacher experienced them all, and more.
Marya Hornbacher is a thirty-something who was not diagnosed with bipolar disorder until her twenties, though she had a history of serious symptoms since childhood. She chronicles her pursuit of optimum mental health in Madness.
In her book, she details the dark, sleepless nights she had as a child which would usually end in violent sobs and rivers of tears as her mother tried her best to comfort her. In her teens, while battling an eating disorder, she was diagnosed with depression and placed on an SSRI (a type of anti-depressant which targets the serotonin levels in your brain), which she later found out would send her into severe mania. Her manic episodes would usually consist of excessive spending, risky sexual behavior and heavy alcohol consumption. At the end of her mania, she would sink into a deep depression, sending her into psychiatric hospitals on several occassions.
The book is a brutal account of a severe mental illness and its effects on a highly intelligent and creative woman. At times it was dark and disturbing. Other times it was confusing. But, overall, it provided a great insight into the realities of mental illness, good psychiatric care and the value of a positive support system.
**A big thank you to my husband for buying this book for me!**
Unfortunately, many of you may have actually experienced these events first-hand. Some of you may have experienced more than one. Marya Hornbacher experienced them all, and more.
Marya Hornbacher is a thirty-something who was not diagnosed with bipolar disorder until her twenties, though she had a history of serious symptoms since childhood. She chronicles her pursuit of optimum mental health in Madness.
In her book, she details the dark, sleepless nights she had as a child which would usually end in violent sobs and rivers of tears as her mother tried her best to comfort her. In her teens, while battling an eating disorder, she was diagnosed with depression and placed on an SSRI (a type of anti-depressant which targets the serotonin levels in your brain), which she later found out would send her into severe mania. Her manic episodes would usually consist of excessive spending, risky sexual behavior and heavy alcohol consumption. At the end of her mania, she would sink into a deep depression, sending her into psychiatric hospitals on several occassions.
The book is a brutal account of a severe mental illness and its effects on a highly intelligent and creative woman. At times it was dark and disturbing. Other times it was confusing. But, overall, it provided a great insight into the realities of mental illness, good psychiatric care and the value of a positive support system.
**A big thank you to my husband for buying this book for me!**
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Suicide Prevention and Education
I attended a very valuable conference last week on Healing Grief After Suicide. There was discussion about the importance of suicide prevention and education in our school system. Naturally, this got me thinking about my own high school experience with suicide.
As we all know, rumors abound in the high school hallways. Who's dating who, who cheated on the test, who's smoking pot by the tree, etc. But, sometimes these rumors became more serious and unfortunately were based on fact. I remember hearing about a young freshman at our school who was hospitalized. She was not that popular, though she tried to be. She would dress in trendy clothes, talk to the popular crowd, join the social clubs. I often heard people complain about her, calling her a "wanna-be" and a "suck-up."
Then one day I heard she cut her wrists. She tried to kill herself, and was hospitalized for an unknown period of time. I don't remember if she came back to our school. Now, mind you, I heard the rumor and was merely an acquaintance of hers, so I can imagine the whole school heard about it.
After this girl tried to take her own life, I was talking to a close friend of mine about the situation. He revealed he tried the same thing over the summer. He stated a relative caught him with a gun under his chin and stopped him. I was at a loss for words. I couldn't believe I almost lost this good friend of mine. I couldn't believe he didn't know to ask for my help.
But, what would I say? Suicide was never addressed at my school. The guidance counselors were much too busy with class schedules. Our Life Skills class was too focused on telling us the dangers of sex (i.e. pregnancy, STDs) rather than the dangers of depression. And, it was more important to hold pep rallys for the football team and award ceremonies for the academic achievers than to educate the students on what to say if a classmate tells you she wants to kill herself.
Did you know suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among 15 to 24-year-olds? And 50 to 75 percent of all suicides give some warning of their intentions to a friend or family member.
So, what do you do if someone tells you they are thinking of suicide?
Start by telling the person you are concerned and give him/her examples.
If he/she is depressed, don't be afraid to ask whether he/she is considering suicide, or if he/she has a particular plan or method in mind.
Ask if they have a therapist and are taking medication.
Do not attempt to argue someone out of suicide. Rather, let the person know you care, that he/she is not alone, that suicidal feelings are temporary and that depression can be treated. A
Avoid the temptation to say, "You have so much to live for," or "Your suicide will hurt your family."
Be actively involved in encouraging the person to see a physician or mental health professional immediately.
If the person is in immediate danger, call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. (www.afsp.org)
I can only imagine how many young lives can be saved if we just started talking about suicide, instead of hiding it, being ashamed of it, or thinking it will "just go away." Living in a world of secrecy, the unmentionable becomes unmanageable.
What are your own experiences with suicide?
As we all know, rumors abound in the high school hallways. Who's dating who, who cheated on the test, who's smoking pot by the tree, etc. But, sometimes these rumors became more serious and unfortunately were based on fact. I remember hearing about a young freshman at our school who was hospitalized. She was not that popular, though she tried to be. She would dress in trendy clothes, talk to the popular crowd, join the social clubs. I often heard people complain about her, calling her a "wanna-be" and a "suck-up."
Then one day I heard she cut her wrists. She tried to kill herself, and was hospitalized for an unknown period of time. I don't remember if she came back to our school. Now, mind you, I heard the rumor and was merely an acquaintance of hers, so I can imagine the whole school heard about it.
After this girl tried to take her own life, I was talking to a close friend of mine about the situation. He revealed he tried the same thing over the summer. He stated a relative caught him with a gun under his chin and stopped him. I was at a loss for words. I couldn't believe I almost lost this good friend of mine. I couldn't believe he didn't know to ask for my help.
But, what would I say? Suicide was never addressed at my school. The guidance counselors were much too busy with class schedules. Our Life Skills class was too focused on telling us the dangers of sex (i.e. pregnancy, STDs) rather than the dangers of depression. And, it was more important to hold pep rallys for the football team and award ceremonies for the academic achievers than to educate the students on what to say if a classmate tells you she wants to kill herself.
Did you know suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among 15 to 24-year-olds? And 50 to 75 percent of all suicides give some warning of their intentions to a friend or family member.
So, what do you do if someone tells you they are thinking of suicide?
Start by telling the person you are concerned and give him/her examples.
If he/she is depressed, don't be afraid to ask whether he/she is considering suicide, or if he/she has a particular plan or method in mind.
Ask if they have a therapist and are taking medication.
Do not attempt to argue someone out of suicide. Rather, let the person know you care, that he/she is not alone, that suicidal feelings are temporary and that depression can be treated. A
Avoid the temptation to say, "You have so much to live for," or "Your suicide will hurt your family."
Be actively involved in encouraging the person to see a physician or mental health professional immediately.
If the person is in immediate danger, call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. (www.afsp.org)
I can only imagine how many young lives can be saved if we just started talking about suicide, instead of hiding it, being ashamed of it, or thinking it will "just go away." Living in a world of secrecy, the unmentionable becomes unmanageable.
What are your own experiences with suicide?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Most Common Stressors Among Adults
Break-up of a romantic relationship
Death of a family member or friend
Economic hardship
Racism and discrimination
Poor physical health
Accidental and intentional assaults on physical safety
Source: www.surgeongeneral.gov
Can you relate?
Death of a family member or friend
Economic hardship
Racism and discrimination
Poor physical health
Accidental and intentional assaults on physical safety
Source: www.surgeongeneral.gov
Can you relate?
90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper -- Review
My only complaint about 90 Minutes in Heaven is that I wished it would have lasted longer. And, I believe author Don Piper would share the same sentiment.
90 Minutes in Heaven tells the story of Don Piper’s miraculous return to life after a terrible car wreck left him for dead. His car was hit by a semi that crossed into his lane and medical personnel reported he died on impact. However, a faithful minister who was driving by decided to get out of his car, climb into what was left of Piper’s vehicle, and pray for 90 minutes. His prayers were answered and Piper literally woke up singing.
Through his book, Piper gives us details of his experience during those 90 minutes. The sounds, the sights and the emotions--Piper has a way of describing them all to make readers believe they were standing right next to him. A minister himself, he believed he went to heaven and was disappointed to return. After all, his return meant that now he had the opportunity to recover from his accident, which left his right leg crushed, his left leg shattered in two places, his left arm missing the major bones to hold his left hand into place, and thousands of shards of glass all over his body.
Piper’s recovery took an excruciatingly painful year during which time his faith was tested, his depression worsened and his family life was turned upside down. He was angry at God for bringing him back to life to suffer so much during his recovery. He was angry at God for giving him a glimpse of heaven and then taking it away from him. The reader finds it easy to empathize with Piper and I even found myself thinking, “Just hang on, it’s going to get better.”
And it did. Eventually, with the help of his family and friends, Piper saw his moments in heaven as a blessing rather than a curse. His appreciation for this gift grew and his resentment diminished. It was then that he began to share his experience with others in his life and when he decided to share this experience with the world.
His depression also relented, but only after Piper sought to seek help, which I think is a valuable lesson illustrated in this book. Before the accident, Piper was a self-sufficient, strong leader in his church. Others came to him for guidance and comfort. Now he was in a position where life had forced him to ask for that same guidance and comfort. His pride was his obstacle and once he learned how to overcome it, he realized that by asking others for help, he was giving them a gift. He helped others so much and now they had the opportunity to return the favor, and they were grateful for it.
Individuals who suffer from depression, whether it be acute or chronic, often have a difficult time reaching out for help. I have suggested this book to my clients who are feeling this way in order to normalize their feelings and hopefully discover that it’s okay to reach out to others.
I also offer this book to help individuals recognize resilience, and to explore their own resilience when experiencing the aftermath of a tragedy, such as the death of a loved one. For clients who have a strong belief system, it also provides comfort when they hear someone else’s testament that there is an afterlife.
I recommend this book to anyone who wants to share in Piper’s strength, determination and triumph. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to cheer him on, or who needs a little cheering themselves. I recommend this book to anyone who has asked themselves “Why?” Piper asked why, and although he did not always find an answer, he did find peace.
90 Minutes in Heaven tells the story of Don Piper’s miraculous return to life after a terrible car wreck left him for dead. His car was hit by a semi that crossed into his lane and medical personnel reported he died on impact. However, a faithful minister who was driving by decided to get out of his car, climb into what was left of Piper’s vehicle, and pray for 90 minutes. His prayers were answered and Piper literally woke up singing.
Through his book, Piper gives us details of his experience during those 90 minutes. The sounds, the sights and the emotions--Piper has a way of describing them all to make readers believe they were standing right next to him. A minister himself, he believed he went to heaven and was disappointed to return. After all, his return meant that now he had the opportunity to recover from his accident, which left his right leg crushed, his left leg shattered in two places, his left arm missing the major bones to hold his left hand into place, and thousands of shards of glass all over his body.
Piper’s recovery took an excruciatingly painful year during which time his faith was tested, his depression worsened and his family life was turned upside down. He was angry at God for bringing him back to life to suffer so much during his recovery. He was angry at God for giving him a glimpse of heaven and then taking it away from him. The reader finds it easy to empathize with Piper and I even found myself thinking, “Just hang on, it’s going to get better.”
And it did. Eventually, with the help of his family and friends, Piper saw his moments in heaven as a blessing rather than a curse. His appreciation for this gift grew and his resentment diminished. It was then that he began to share his experience with others in his life and when he decided to share this experience with the world.
His depression also relented, but only after Piper sought to seek help, which I think is a valuable lesson illustrated in this book. Before the accident, Piper was a self-sufficient, strong leader in his church. Others came to him for guidance and comfort. Now he was in a position where life had forced him to ask for that same guidance and comfort. His pride was his obstacle and once he learned how to overcome it, he realized that by asking others for help, he was giving them a gift. He helped others so much and now they had the opportunity to return the favor, and they were grateful for it.
Individuals who suffer from depression, whether it be acute or chronic, often have a difficult time reaching out for help. I have suggested this book to my clients who are feeling this way in order to normalize their feelings and hopefully discover that it’s okay to reach out to others.
I also offer this book to help individuals recognize resilience, and to explore their own resilience when experiencing the aftermath of a tragedy, such as the death of a loved one. For clients who have a strong belief system, it also provides comfort when they hear someone else’s testament that there is an afterlife.
I recommend this book to anyone who wants to share in Piper’s strength, determination and triumph. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to cheer him on, or who needs a little cheering themselves. I recommend this book to anyone who has asked themselves “Why?” Piper asked why, and although he did not always find an answer, he did find peace.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Having Someone On Your Side = Priceless!
I watched a brand new television show a couple of months ago—Undercover Boss—and was so impressed with its content, I felt compelled to include my thoughts on this blog.
Undercover Boss is a reality show that places the spotlight on corporate America and the working class. On its premiere episode, the chief operating officer of a waste management company went undercover for a week, working the jobs of his employees. For one week, he cleaned toilets, organized recycling materials, picked up trash at a landfill, and rode on the back of a garbage truck.
He listened to his employees with an open heart as they shared personal stories of triumph and tragedy. He listened with an open mind as they described the demanding and often unreasonable conditions of their employment. Then he took this newfound knowledge and used it to make significant changes in the company.
By the end of the show, the employees learned who he truly was and although they were grateful for the upcoming changes, they were even more grateful that someone in his position took the time to listen to them. They were moved that this man validated their feelings, cared about their individual needs and appreciated the hard work that they do.
I believe we all deserve to have someone in our lives who does the same for us. Someone who will take the time to listen to us, validate our feelings and appreciate us for who we are. Who is this person in your life? More importantly, are you this person for someone else?
In our fast-paced, stressed-out world, we often take people for granted. We come to expect certain tasks to be done and forget the person behind the task. Next time your partner makes dinner, take the time to thank them and appreciate the meal. Next time you receive the mail, take the time to thank the mail carrier and exchange pleasantries. Next time someone lets you cut in front of them, recognize their act of kindness.
I could go on and on, listing the people who go unnoticed yet make a difference in our lives, but you get the idea. I am sure by just reading this article, you’ve already begun mentally compiling your own list. The great thing about recognizing the good in others is that we benefit from it as well. A simple act of appreciation can lead us to appreciate our own lives even more.
You Just Don't Understand! You're Not Listening To Me!
How many times have you heard these words from your children, your partner, your friends? Chances are, you may have even exclaimed these words during a moment of frustration. And, even more likely, when these words are spoken, it’s usually true.
What we have here, is a failure to communicate…
That’s not just a line from a movie (Cool Hand Luke, for you trivia buffs out there), but a very typical issue in relationships. I often see this issue when working with clients. A woman reported how much she enjoyed her new job, but could not seem to get along with her office-mate. She stated this was something very important to her, but they just could not connect.
A couple recently got married and are finding the honeymoon is long over. They report arguing almost everyday and never getting anything resolved. They love each other very much and want to make it work, but they don’t know how.
Another man recently had an argument with his sister about his wife and finds himself caught in the middle. He wants to keep the peace, and he wants to clearly state where his loyalties lie. He doesn’t know how to balance the two.
These are just a few examples of how communication can break a relationship. Now I will tell you how communication can repair it.
Maintain eye contact
Whenever you have an important discussion with someone, make sure it’s face to face. Avoid phone calls and email as much as possible. Communication is less likely to be misunderstood when you can see the person’s facial expression and body language, and hear the tone of their voice. Maintaining eye contact also shows that you are interested in what they have to say and are not distracted by anything else.
Physical touch is key
A study last year showed that couples who participated in non-sexual physical touch (i.e., holding hands, giving hugs, foot massages) suffer less stress than those couples who do not. So, while you are maintaining eye contact with your partner, hold their hands or touch their shoulder. This may bring the stress level down a few pegs.
Use “I” statements
You make me so angry when you don’t take out the trash!
vs.
I feel angry when I come home and the trash has not been taken out.
See the difference? In the first sentence, you are blaming the other person who will probably become immediately defensive and won’t want to hear anything you have to say. In the second sentence, you are taking ownership of your feelings and recognizing the problem, not the person.
Take a time-out
When you get over-heated, it’s important to recognize it’s time to walk away. Acknowledge that the conversation is important to you, but you need a break to cool off. Set a time when you can return to the conversation (whether in 15 minutes or the next day) and stick to it. Some partners even come up with code words when they see the conversation going nowhere fast. (My husband and I use the word “banana” and that usually makes us laugh and release some tension.) Find your own code word that will tell both of you it’s time for a recess.
Remember, we’re all adults
That means no name-calling or cursing. These words just seem to escalate an already-heated situation. While it may be difficult to zip your lip, think of your long-term objective: to work it out. And, if that doesn’t work, make a donation to the “curse jar” every time you swear, then take that person out to dinner.
Practice makes perfect!
Remember to be patient. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you can’t master the art of communication in that time either. Be patient with yourself and those around you, and soon you’ll see a difference!
What we have here, is a failure to communicate…
That’s not just a line from a movie (Cool Hand Luke, for you trivia buffs out there), but a very typical issue in relationships. I often see this issue when working with clients. A woman reported how much she enjoyed her new job, but could not seem to get along with her office-mate. She stated this was something very important to her, but they just could not connect.
A couple recently got married and are finding the honeymoon is long over. They report arguing almost everyday and never getting anything resolved. They love each other very much and want to make it work, but they don’t know how.
Another man recently had an argument with his sister about his wife and finds himself caught in the middle. He wants to keep the peace, and he wants to clearly state where his loyalties lie. He doesn’t know how to balance the two.
These are just a few examples of how communication can break a relationship. Now I will tell you how communication can repair it.
Maintain eye contact
Whenever you have an important discussion with someone, make sure it’s face to face. Avoid phone calls and email as much as possible. Communication is less likely to be misunderstood when you can see the person’s facial expression and body language, and hear the tone of their voice. Maintaining eye contact also shows that you are interested in what they have to say and are not distracted by anything else.
Physical touch is key
A study last year showed that couples who participated in non-sexual physical touch (i.e., holding hands, giving hugs, foot massages) suffer less stress than those couples who do not. So, while you are maintaining eye contact with your partner, hold their hands or touch their shoulder. This may bring the stress level down a few pegs.
Use “I” statements
You make me so angry when you don’t take out the trash!
vs.
I feel angry when I come home and the trash has not been taken out.
See the difference? In the first sentence, you are blaming the other person who will probably become immediately defensive and won’t want to hear anything you have to say. In the second sentence, you are taking ownership of your feelings and recognizing the problem, not the person.
Take a time-out
When you get over-heated, it’s important to recognize it’s time to walk away. Acknowledge that the conversation is important to you, but you need a break to cool off. Set a time when you can return to the conversation (whether in 15 minutes or the next day) and stick to it. Some partners even come up with code words when they see the conversation going nowhere fast. (My husband and I use the word “banana” and that usually makes us laugh and release some tension.) Find your own code word that will tell both of you it’s time for a recess.
Remember, we’re all adults
That means no name-calling or cursing. These words just seem to escalate an already-heated situation. While it may be difficult to zip your lip, think of your long-term objective: to work it out. And, if that doesn’t work, make a donation to the “curse jar” every time you swear, then take that person out to dinner.
Practice makes perfect!
Remember to be patient. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you can’t master the art of communication in that time either. Be patient with yourself and those around you, and soon you’ll see a difference!
Seven Pounds
I wrote this review a couple of years ago, but it's a movie that still has quite the impact...
I was initially intrigued by the movie “Seven Pounds” when a friend of mine recommended it to me. I asked her what the movie was about, and she said, “I can’t tell you—you just have to see it.”
Fast forward to an email I received from the American Mental Health Counselors Association which stated the organization had been approached to make a statement about the movie, because critics suggested it glorified suicide. Naturally, as a grief counselor, this piqued my interest even more and so I decided to see what all the fuss was about.
Seven Pounds opens with Tim Thomas (portrayed by Will Smith) calling 911 to report a suicide—his own. The rest of the movie takes you through the past several years, and an interesting chain of events, which brought him to this point. Two years ago, Tim was a successful engineer and happily in love. Then one fatal mistake cost him everything; he was at fault in a fatal car accident which killed his fiancée and six others. Tim decides to dedicate the rest of his life to improving the lives of seven people to make up for the seven lives he took. He enlists the help of his best friend, an attorney, and his brother, an FBI agent, to find seven people worthy of receiving life-altering gifts. We follow him on his journey, changing the lives of good people. We also follow him on his own grief journey as he experiences a variety of emotions associated with all he has lost, and what he may lose in the future.
In the movie, I discovered that Tim completes William Worden’s four tasks of mourning: accepting the reality of his loss, experiencing the pain of his loss, adjusting to his new environment and finding a way to memorialize his fiancée and the others who died in the crash.
Has this piqued your interest? Do you want to know how Tim helps others, how he finds peace, how this movie ends? Well, I can’t tell you—you just have to see it.
I was initially intrigued by the movie “Seven Pounds” when a friend of mine recommended it to me. I asked her what the movie was about, and she said, “I can’t tell you—you just have to see it.”
Fast forward to an email I received from the American Mental Health Counselors Association which stated the organization had been approached to make a statement about the movie, because critics suggested it glorified suicide. Naturally, as a grief counselor, this piqued my interest even more and so I decided to see what all the fuss was about.
Seven Pounds opens with Tim Thomas (portrayed by Will Smith) calling 911 to report a suicide—his own. The rest of the movie takes you through the past several years, and an interesting chain of events, which brought him to this point. Two years ago, Tim was a successful engineer and happily in love. Then one fatal mistake cost him everything; he was at fault in a fatal car accident which killed his fiancée and six others. Tim decides to dedicate the rest of his life to improving the lives of seven people to make up for the seven lives he took. He enlists the help of his best friend, an attorney, and his brother, an FBI agent, to find seven people worthy of receiving life-altering gifts. We follow him on his journey, changing the lives of good people. We also follow him on his own grief journey as he experiences a variety of emotions associated with all he has lost, and what he may lose in the future.
In the movie, I discovered that Tim completes William Worden’s four tasks of mourning: accepting the reality of his loss, experiencing the pain of his loss, adjusting to his new environment and finding a way to memorialize his fiancée and the others who died in the crash.
Has this piqued your interest? Do you want to know how Tim helps others, how he finds peace, how this movie ends? Well, I can’t tell you—you just have to see it.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Feeling Overwhelmed by Daily Tasks? Here Are Some Helpful Tips!
Write it all out
Sometimes we feel overwhelmed with all the tasks we have to complete. This often leads to confusion, anxiety and memory loss. To help yourself, write down everything that you have to do, that way you can see it in black-and-white and know you haven’t forgotten anything. You also will calm those racing thoughts that are trying to keep track of it all.
Prioritize
Everything on your list is importance, but not everything needs to be done right away. Take that list and divide it into three sections: Most important, important, least important. The most important tasks are the ones to tackle first.
Delegate
Is there something on the list that someone else can do? Maybe your spouse can do the laundry, and your child can wash the dishes. Maybe you and your co-worker can team up to handle one of the tasks. Learn how to ask for help and it will decrease your stress immensely.
Take on one task a day
Don’t tell yourself that you need to complete the entire list in one day. Tell yourself that today you will complete task #1, and tomorrow is task #2, and so on.
Forgive yourself
If you find yourself becoming distracted or too tired to tackle that “to-do” list, it’s okay. We all need a break now and then and just because you didn’t get anything done today does not mean it can’t be done tomorrow.
Sometimes we feel overwhelmed with all the tasks we have to complete. This often leads to confusion, anxiety and memory loss. To help yourself, write down everything that you have to do, that way you can see it in black-and-white and know you haven’t forgotten anything. You also will calm those racing thoughts that are trying to keep track of it all.
Prioritize
Everything on your list is importance, but not everything needs to be done right away. Take that list and divide it into three sections: Most important, important, least important. The most important tasks are the ones to tackle first.
Delegate
Is there something on the list that someone else can do? Maybe your spouse can do the laundry, and your child can wash the dishes. Maybe you and your co-worker can team up to handle one of the tasks. Learn how to ask for help and it will decrease your stress immensely.
Take on one task a day
Don’t tell yourself that you need to complete the entire list in one day. Tell yourself that today you will complete task #1, and tomorrow is task #2, and so on.
Forgive yourself
If you find yourself becoming distracted or too tired to tackle that “to-do” list, it’s okay. We all need a break now and then and just because you didn’t get anything done today does not mean it can’t be done tomorrow.
Using Color to Improve Your Mood
We’ve heard about the benefits of using Feng Shui in your home and your office, but did you know you can also use Feng Shui on your body?
According to Alice Inoue, author of The Feng Shui Way, the colors we wear can affect our moods and the moods of those around us. For instance, if you are looking for love, wear shades of pink which represent romance, happiness and joy.
Nervous about an upcoming event or meeting? Wearing blue will produce a calmness around, facilitate clear communication and offer hope. If you want to exude power and strength, reds and purples are what you should wear.
Lastly, if you are like the rest of us, always growing and progressing, then go green. Green renews energy and recharges you, and also represents healing.
According to Alice Inoue, author of The Feng Shui Way, the colors we wear can affect our moods and the moods of those around us. For instance, if you are looking for love, wear shades of pink which represent romance, happiness and joy.
Nervous about an upcoming event or meeting? Wearing blue will produce a calmness around, facilitate clear communication and offer hope. If you want to exude power and strength, reds and purples are what you should wear.
Lastly, if you are like the rest of us, always growing and progressing, then go green. Green renews energy and recharges you, and also represents healing.
Add Some Color to Your Life!
Sometimes when we are depressed, we tend to see our situations in black and white. This is also called “all or nothing” thinking. If you find yourself muttering:
“Nothing ever goes my way.”
“Everything I do is wrong.”
“I’m a complete failure.”
“This is the worst job in the world!”
“Everything bad happens to me.”
….then you probably see your life in black and white! These statements are extreme and if you were to break it down, you’d probably realize that there are other worse jobs and that sometimes things do go your way.
To break these thoughts down, ask yourself the following questions:
1). Is it really true?
2). What evidence do I have that supports this statement?
3). What evidence do I have that disproves this statement?
If you do this with all of the extreme statements you make, then you’ll probably start realizing just how extreme they are. So, how do you stop making such statements?
First, you’ll want to pay very close attention to your vocabulary, your thinking vocabulary and your speaking vocabulary. How often do you use words like “always,” “never,” “all” and “every”? Why not replace these words with “sometimes” or focus on the solitary incident instead of generalizing it to every situation?
If you start to eliminate the use of the words, you'll notice a decrease in your extreme statements and a decrease in negative thinking. And with any luck, you’ll see greener grass on your side of the fence!
“Nothing ever goes my way.”
“Everything I do is wrong.”
“I’m a complete failure.”
“This is the worst job in the world!”
“Everything bad happens to me.”
….then you probably see your life in black and white! These statements are extreme and if you were to break it down, you’d probably realize that there are other worse jobs and that sometimes things do go your way.
To break these thoughts down, ask yourself the following questions:
1). Is it really true?
2). What evidence do I have that supports this statement?
3). What evidence do I have that disproves this statement?
If you do this with all of the extreme statements you make, then you’ll probably start realizing just how extreme they are. So, how do you stop making such statements?
First, you’ll want to pay very close attention to your vocabulary, your thinking vocabulary and your speaking vocabulary. How often do you use words like “always,” “never,” “all” and “every”? Why not replace these words with “sometimes” or focus on the solitary incident instead of generalizing it to every situation?
If you start to eliminate the use of the words, you'll notice a decrease in your extreme statements and a decrease in negative thinking. And with any luck, you’ll see greener grass on your side of the fence!
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