Break-up of a romantic relationship
Death of a family member or friend
Economic hardship
Racism and discrimination
Poor physical health
Accidental and intentional assaults on physical safety
Source: www.surgeongeneral.gov
Can you relate?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper -- Review
My only complaint about 90 Minutes in Heaven is that I wished it would have lasted longer. And, I believe author Don Piper would share the same sentiment.
90 Minutes in Heaven tells the story of Don Piper’s miraculous return to life after a terrible car wreck left him for dead. His car was hit by a semi that crossed into his lane and medical personnel reported he died on impact. However, a faithful minister who was driving by decided to get out of his car, climb into what was left of Piper’s vehicle, and pray for 90 minutes. His prayers were answered and Piper literally woke up singing.
Through his book, Piper gives us details of his experience during those 90 minutes. The sounds, the sights and the emotions--Piper has a way of describing them all to make readers believe they were standing right next to him. A minister himself, he believed he went to heaven and was disappointed to return. After all, his return meant that now he had the opportunity to recover from his accident, which left his right leg crushed, his left leg shattered in two places, his left arm missing the major bones to hold his left hand into place, and thousands of shards of glass all over his body.
Piper’s recovery took an excruciatingly painful year during which time his faith was tested, his depression worsened and his family life was turned upside down. He was angry at God for bringing him back to life to suffer so much during his recovery. He was angry at God for giving him a glimpse of heaven and then taking it away from him. The reader finds it easy to empathize with Piper and I even found myself thinking, “Just hang on, it’s going to get better.”
And it did. Eventually, with the help of his family and friends, Piper saw his moments in heaven as a blessing rather than a curse. His appreciation for this gift grew and his resentment diminished. It was then that he began to share his experience with others in his life and when he decided to share this experience with the world.
His depression also relented, but only after Piper sought to seek help, which I think is a valuable lesson illustrated in this book. Before the accident, Piper was a self-sufficient, strong leader in his church. Others came to him for guidance and comfort. Now he was in a position where life had forced him to ask for that same guidance and comfort. His pride was his obstacle and once he learned how to overcome it, he realized that by asking others for help, he was giving them a gift. He helped others so much and now they had the opportunity to return the favor, and they were grateful for it.
Individuals who suffer from depression, whether it be acute or chronic, often have a difficult time reaching out for help. I have suggested this book to my clients who are feeling this way in order to normalize their feelings and hopefully discover that it’s okay to reach out to others.
I also offer this book to help individuals recognize resilience, and to explore their own resilience when experiencing the aftermath of a tragedy, such as the death of a loved one. For clients who have a strong belief system, it also provides comfort when they hear someone else’s testament that there is an afterlife.
I recommend this book to anyone who wants to share in Piper’s strength, determination and triumph. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to cheer him on, or who needs a little cheering themselves. I recommend this book to anyone who has asked themselves “Why?” Piper asked why, and although he did not always find an answer, he did find peace.
90 Minutes in Heaven tells the story of Don Piper’s miraculous return to life after a terrible car wreck left him for dead. His car was hit by a semi that crossed into his lane and medical personnel reported he died on impact. However, a faithful minister who was driving by decided to get out of his car, climb into what was left of Piper’s vehicle, and pray for 90 minutes. His prayers were answered and Piper literally woke up singing.
Through his book, Piper gives us details of his experience during those 90 minutes. The sounds, the sights and the emotions--Piper has a way of describing them all to make readers believe they were standing right next to him. A minister himself, he believed he went to heaven and was disappointed to return. After all, his return meant that now he had the opportunity to recover from his accident, which left his right leg crushed, his left leg shattered in two places, his left arm missing the major bones to hold his left hand into place, and thousands of shards of glass all over his body.
Piper’s recovery took an excruciatingly painful year during which time his faith was tested, his depression worsened and his family life was turned upside down. He was angry at God for bringing him back to life to suffer so much during his recovery. He was angry at God for giving him a glimpse of heaven and then taking it away from him. The reader finds it easy to empathize with Piper and I even found myself thinking, “Just hang on, it’s going to get better.”
And it did. Eventually, with the help of his family and friends, Piper saw his moments in heaven as a blessing rather than a curse. His appreciation for this gift grew and his resentment diminished. It was then that he began to share his experience with others in his life and when he decided to share this experience with the world.
His depression also relented, but only after Piper sought to seek help, which I think is a valuable lesson illustrated in this book. Before the accident, Piper was a self-sufficient, strong leader in his church. Others came to him for guidance and comfort. Now he was in a position where life had forced him to ask for that same guidance and comfort. His pride was his obstacle and once he learned how to overcome it, he realized that by asking others for help, he was giving them a gift. He helped others so much and now they had the opportunity to return the favor, and they were grateful for it.
Individuals who suffer from depression, whether it be acute or chronic, often have a difficult time reaching out for help. I have suggested this book to my clients who are feeling this way in order to normalize their feelings and hopefully discover that it’s okay to reach out to others.
I also offer this book to help individuals recognize resilience, and to explore their own resilience when experiencing the aftermath of a tragedy, such as the death of a loved one. For clients who have a strong belief system, it also provides comfort when they hear someone else’s testament that there is an afterlife.
I recommend this book to anyone who wants to share in Piper’s strength, determination and triumph. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to cheer him on, or who needs a little cheering themselves. I recommend this book to anyone who has asked themselves “Why?” Piper asked why, and although he did not always find an answer, he did find peace.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Having Someone On Your Side = Priceless!
I watched a brand new television show a couple of months ago—Undercover Boss—and was so impressed with its content, I felt compelled to include my thoughts on this blog.
Undercover Boss is a reality show that places the spotlight on corporate America and the working class. On its premiere episode, the chief operating officer of a waste management company went undercover for a week, working the jobs of his employees. For one week, he cleaned toilets, organized recycling materials, picked up trash at a landfill, and rode on the back of a garbage truck.
He listened to his employees with an open heart as they shared personal stories of triumph and tragedy. He listened with an open mind as they described the demanding and often unreasonable conditions of their employment. Then he took this newfound knowledge and used it to make significant changes in the company.
By the end of the show, the employees learned who he truly was and although they were grateful for the upcoming changes, they were even more grateful that someone in his position took the time to listen to them. They were moved that this man validated their feelings, cared about their individual needs and appreciated the hard work that they do.
I believe we all deserve to have someone in our lives who does the same for us. Someone who will take the time to listen to us, validate our feelings and appreciate us for who we are. Who is this person in your life? More importantly, are you this person for someone else?
In our fast-paced, stressed-out world, we often take people for granted. We come to expect certain tasks to be done and forget the person behind the task. Next time your partner makes dinner, take the time to thank them and appreciate the meal. Next time you receive the mail, take the time to thank the mail carrier and exchange pleasantries. Next time someone lets you cut in front of them, recognize their act of kindness.
I could go on and on, listing the people who go unnoticed yet make a difference in our lives, but you get the idea. I am sure by just reading this article, you’ve already begun mentally compiling your own list. The great thing about recognizing the good in others is that we benefit from it as well. A simple act of appreciation can lead us to appreciate our own lives even more.
You Just Don't Understand! You're Not Listening To Me!
How many times have you heard these words from your children, your partner, your friends? Chances are, you may have even exclaimed these words during a moment of frustration. And, even more likely, when these words are spoken, it’s usually true.
What we have here, is a failure to communicate…
That’s not just a line from a movie (Cool Hand Luke, for you trivia buffs out there), but a very typical issue in relationships. I often see this issue when working with clients. A woman reported how much she enjoyed her new job, but could not seem to get along with her office-mate. She stated this was something very important to her, but they just could not connect.
A couple recently got married and are finding the honeymoon is long over. They report arguing almost everyday and never getting anything resolved. They love each other very much and want to make it work, but they don’t know how.
Another man recently had an argument with his sister about his wife and finds himself caught in the middle. He wants to keep the peace, and he wants to clearly state where his loyalties lie. He doesn’t know how to balance the two.
These are just a few examples of how communication can break a relationship. Now I will tell you how communication can repair it.
Maintain eye contact
Whenever you have an important discussion with someone, make sure it’s face to face. Avoid phone calls and email as much as possible. Communication is less likely to be misunderstood when you can see the person’s facial expression and body language, and hear the tone of their voice. Maintaining eye contact also shows that you are interested in what they have to say and are not distracted by anything else.
Physical touch is key
A study last year showed that couples who participated in non-sexual physical touch (i.e., holding hands, giving hugs, foot massages) suffer less stress than those couples who do not. So, while you are maintaining eye contact with your partner, hold their hands or touch their shoulder. This may bring the stress level down a few pegs.
Use “I” statements
You make me so angry when you don’t take out the trash!
vs.
I feel angry when I come home and the trash has not been taken out.
See the difference? In the first sentence, you are blaming the other person who will probably become immediately defensive and won’t want to hear anything you have to say. In the second sentence, you are taking ownership of your feelings and recognizing the problem, not the person.
Take a time-out
When you get over-heated, it’s important to recognize it’s time to walk away. Acknowledge that the conversation is important to you, but you need a break to cool off. Set a time when you can return to the conversation (whether in 15 minutes or the next day) and stick to it. Some partners even come up with code words when they see the conversation going nowhere fast. (My husband and I use the word “banana” and that usually makes us laugh and release some tension.) Find your own code word that will tell both of you it’s time for a recess.
Remember, we’re all adults
That means no name-calling or cursing. These words just seem to escalate an already-heated situation. While it may be difficult to zip your lip, think of your long-term objective: to work it out. And, if that doesn’t work, make a donation to the “curse jar” every time you swear, then take that person out to dinner.
Practice makes perfect!
Remember to be patient. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you can’t master the art of communication in that time either. Be patient with yourself and those around you, and soon you’ll see a difference!
What we have here, is a failure to communicate…
That’s not just a line from a movie (Cool Hand Luke, for you trivia buffs out there), but a very typical issue in relationships. I often see this issue when working with clients. A woman reported how much she enjoyed her new job, but could not seem to get along with her office-mate. She stated this was something very important to her, but they just could not connect.
A couple recently got married and are finding the honeymoon is long over. They report arguing almost everyday and never getting anything resolved. They love each other very much and want to make it work, but they don’t know how.
Another man recently had an argument with his sister about his wife and finds himself caught in the middle. He wants to keep the peace, and he wants to clearly state where his loyalties lie. He doesn’t know how to balance the two.
These are just a few examples of how communication can break a relationship. Now I will tell you how communication can repair it.
Maintain eye contact
Whenever you have an important discussion with someone, make sure it’s face to face. Avoid phone calls and email as much as possible. Communication is less likely to be misunderstood when you can see the person’s facial expression and body language, and hear the tone of their voice. Maintaining eye contact also shows that you are interested in what they have to say and are not distracted by anything else.
Physical touch is key
A study last year showed that couples who participated in non-sexual physical touch (i.e., holding hands, giving hugs, foot massages) suffer less stress than those couples who do not. So, while you are maintaining eye contact with your partner, hold their hands or touch their shoulder. This may bring the stress level down a few pegs.
Use “I” statements
You make me so angry when you don’t take out the trash!
vs.
I feel angry when I come home and the trash has not been taken out.
See the difference? In the first sentence, you are blaming the other person who will probably become immediately defensive and won’t want to hear anything you have to say. In the second sentence, you are taking ownership of your feelings and recognizing the problem, not the person.
Take a time-out
When you get over-heated, it’s important to recognize it’s time to walk away. Acknowledge that the conversation is important to you, but you need a break to cool off. Set a time when you can return to the conversation (whether in 15 minutes or the next day) and stick to it. Some partners even come up with code words when they see the conversation going nowhere fast. (My husband and I use the word “banana” and that usually makes us laugh and release some tension.) Find your own code word that will tell both of you it’s time for a recess.
Remember, we’re all adults
That means no name-calling or cursing. These words just seem to escalate an already-heated situation. While it may be difficult to zip your lip, think of your long-term objective: to work it out. And, if that doesn’t work, make a donation to the “curse jar” every time you swear, then take that person out to dinner.
Practice makes perfect!
Remember to be patient. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you can’t master the art of communication in that time either. Be patient with yourself and those around you, and soon you’ll see a difference!
Seven Pounds
I wrote this review a couple of years ago, but it's a movie that still has quite the impact...
I was initially intrigued by the movie “Seven Pounds” when a friend of mine recommended it to me. I asked her what the movie was about, and she said, “I can’t tell you—you just have to see it.”
Fast forward to an email I received from the American Mental Health Counselors Association which stated the organization had been approached to make a statement about the movie, because critics suggested it glorified suicide. Naturally, as a grief counselor, this piqued my interest even more and so I decided to see what all the fuss was about.
Seven Pounds opens with Tim Thomas (portrayed by Will Smith) calling 911 to report a suicide—his own. The rest of the movie takes you through the past several years, and an interesting chain of events, which brought him to this point. Two years ago, Tim was a successful engineer and happily in love. Then one fatal mistake cost him everything; he was at fault in a fatal car accident which killed his fiancée and six others. Tim decides to dedicate the rest of his life to improving the lives of seven people to make up for the seven lives he took. He enlists the help of his best friend, an attorney, and his brother, an FBI agent, to find seven people worthy of receiving life-altering gifts. We follow him on his journey, changing the lives of good people. We also follow him on his own grief journey as he experiences a variety of emotions associated with all he has lost, and what he may lose in the future.
In the movie, I discovered that Tim completes William Worden’s four tasks of mourning: accepting the reality of his loss, experiencing the pain of his loss, adjusting to his new environment and finding a way to memorialize his fiancée and the others who died in the crash.
Has this piqued your interest? Do you want to know how Tim helps others, how he finds peace, how this movie ends? Well, I can’t tell you—you just have to see it.
I was initially intrigued by the movie “Seven Pounds” when a friend of mine recommended it to me. I asked her what the movie was about, and she said, “I can’t tell you—you just have to see it.”
Fast forward to an email I received from the American Mental Health Counselors Association which stated the organization had been approached to make a statement about the movie, because critics suggested it glorified suicide. Naturally, as a grief counselor, this piqued my interest even more and so I decided to see what all the fuss was about.
Seven Pounds opens with Tim Thomas (portrayed by Will Smith) calling 911 to report a suicide—his own. The rest of the movie takes you through the past several years, and an interesting chain of events, which brought him to this point. Two years ago, Tim was a successful engineer and happily in love. Then one fatal mistake cost him everything; he was at fault in a fatal car accident which killed his fiancée and six others. Tim decides to dedicate the rest of his life to improving the lives of seven people to make up for the seven lives he took. He enlists the help of his best friend, an attorney, and his brother, an FBI agent, to find seven people worthy of receiving life-altering gifts. We follow him on his journey, changing the lives of good people. We also follow him on his own grief journey as he experiences a variety of emotions associated with all he has lost, and what he may lose in the future.
In the movie, I discovered that Tim completes William Worden’s four tasks of mourning: accepting the reality of his loss, experiencing the pain of his loss, adjusting to his new environment and finding a way to memorialize his fiancée and the others who died in the crash.
Has this piqued your interest? Do you want to know how Tim helps others, how he finds peace, how this movie ends? Well, I can’t tell you—you just have to see it.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Feeling Overwhelmed by Daily Tasks? Here Are Some Helpful Tips!
Write it all out
Sometimes we feel overwhelmed with all the tasks we have to complete. This often leads to confusion, anxiety and memory loss. To help yourself, write down everything that you have to do, that way you can see it in black-and-white and know you haven’t forgotten anything. You also will calm those racing thoughts that are trying to keep track of it all.
Prioritize
Everything on your list is importance, but not everything needs to be done right away. Take that list and divide it into three sections: Most important, important, least important. The most important tasks are the ones to tackle first.
Delegate
Is there something on the list that someone else can do? Maybe your spouse can do the laundry, and your child can wash the dishes. Maybe you and your co-worker can team up to handle one of the tasks. Learn how to ask for help and it will decrease your stress immensely.
Take on one task a day
Don’t tell yourself that you need to complete the entire list in one day. Tell yourself that today you will complete task #1, and tomorrow is task #2, and so on.
Forgive yourself
If you find yourself becoming distracted or too tired to tackle that “to-do” list, it’s okay. We all need a break now and then and just because you didn’t get anything done today does not mean it can’t be done tomorrow.
Sometimes we feel overwhelmed with all the tasks we have to complete. This often leads to confusion, anxiety and memory loss. To help yourself, write down everything that you have to do, that way you can see it in black-and-white and know you haven’t forgotten anything. You also will calm those racing thoughts that are trying to keep track of it all.
Prioritize
Everything on your list is importance, but not everything needs to be done right away. Take that list and divide it into three sections: Most important, important, least important. The most important tasks are the ones to tackle first.
Delegate
Is there something on the list that someone else can do? Maybe your spouse can do the laundry, and your child can wash the dishes. Maybe you and your co-worker can team up to handle one of the tasks. Learn how to ask for help and it will decrease your stress immensely.
Take on one task a day
Don’t tell yourself that you need to complete the entire list in one day. Tell yourself that today you will complete task #1, and tomorrow is task #2, and so on.
Forgive yourself
If you find yourself becoming distracted or too tired to tackle that “to-do” list, it’s okay. We all need a break now and then and just because you didn’t get anything done today does not mean it can’t be done tomorrow.
Using Color to Improve Your Mood
We’ve heard about the benefits of using Feng Shui in your home and your office, but did you know you can also use Feng Shui on your body?
According to Alice Inoue, author of The Feng Shui Way, the colors we wear can affect our moods and the moods of those around us. For instance, if you are looking for love, wear shades of pink which represent romance, happiness and joy.
Nervous about an upcoming event or meeting? Wearing blue will produce a calmness around, facilitate clear communication and offer hope. If you want to exude power and strength, reds and purples are what you should wear.
Lastly, if you are like the rest of us, always growing and progressing, then go green. Green renews energy and recharges you, and also represents healing.
According to Alice Inoue, author of The Feng Shui Way, the colors we wear can affect our moods and the moods of those around us. For instance, if you are looking for love, wear shades of pink which represent romance, happiness and joy.
Nervous about an upcoming event or meeting? Wearing blue will produce a calmness around, facilitate clear communication and offer hope. If you want to exude power and strength, reds and purples are what you should wear.
Lastly, if you are like the rest of us, always growing and progressing, then go green. Green renews energy and recharges you, and also represents healing.
Add Some Color to Your Life!
Sometimes when we are depressed, we tend to see our situations in black and white. This is also called “all or nothing” thinking. If you find yourself muttering:
“Nothing ever goes my way.”
“Everything I do is wrong.”
“I’m a complete failure.”
“This is the worst job in the world!”
“Everything bad happens to me.”
….then you probably see your life in black and white! These statements are extreme and if you were to break it down, you’d probably realize that there are other worse jobs and that sometimes things do go your way.
To break these thoughts down, ask yourself the following questions:
1). Is it really true?
2). What evidence do I have that supports this statement?
3). What evidence do I have that disproves this statement?
If you do this with all of the extreme statements you make, then you’ll probably start realizing just how extreme they are. So, how do you stop making such statements?
First, you’ll want to pay very close attention to your vocabulary, your thinking vocabulary and your speaking vocabulary. How often do you use words like “always,” “never,” “all” and “every”? Why not replace these words with “sometimes” or focus on the solitary incident instead of generalizing it to every situation?
If you start to eliminate the use of the words, you'll notice a decrease in your extreme statements and a decrease in negative thinking. And with any luck, you’ll see greener grass on your side of the fence!
“Nothing ever goes my way.”
“Everything I do is wrong.”
“I’m a complete failure.”
“This is the worst job in the world!”
“Everything bad happens to me.”
….then you probably see your life in black and white! These statements are extreme and if you were to break it down, you’d probably realize that there are other worse jobs and that sometimes things do go your way.
To break these thoughts down, ask yourself the following questions:
1). Is it really true?
2). What evidence do I have that supports this statement?
3). What evidence do I have that disproves this statement?
If you do this with all of the extreme statements you make, then you’ll probably start realizing just how extreme they are. So, how do you stop making such statements?
First, you’ll want to pay very close attention to your vocabulary, your thinking vocabulary and your speaking vocabulary. How often do you use words like “always,” “never,” “all” and “every”? Why not replace these words with “sometimes” or focus on the solitary incident instead of generalizing it to every situation?
If you start to eliminate the use of the words, you'll notice a decrease in your extreme statements and a decrease in negative thinking. And with any luck, you’ll see greener grass on your side of the fence!
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